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The Best Facebook Advice on Earth

by: | April 1, 2012

April Fools!

We don’t talk much about what NOT to do, so here’s some of the worst Facebook advice we could come up with. A lot of business owners and social media managers have made these easily avoidable mistakes. If you’re starting your Facebook marketing or if you’re currently running it, avoid these traps. 

Or . . . you could follow our misguided, sarcastic advice below . . .  if you want to fail at Facebook marketing, alienate your followers, reduce your marketing effectiveness, and waste your business’s time and money. 

Top Facebook Advice

Everyone who starts a Facebook page wants it to be successful and bring the business more customers and larger profits. For some, it can seem as mystical and astounding as a unicorn that breathes rainbows and lays golden eggs. For others, it seems as easy as walking and chewing gum. Here, I’ve compiled some best practices from the most successful Facebook pages we’ve encountered and listed it for you here.

Immediately Like Your Own Posts

You should always like your own posts. Your readers deserve to know that you like everything you post, so make sure to let everyone know! PRO TIP: Also, you should always leave the first comment, further clarifying whatever it is you wrote!

Let Your Followers Know You’re Laughing Out Loud

You’ll never get anywhere with young people unless you sound exactly like them. All the cool kids let you know when they’ve posted something funny by adding “LOL” to their posts. “LOL” lets your customers know you’re “laughing out loud.” It’s like the “Applause” sign for sitcom audiences. Without “LOL,” how will your followers know that you wrote something funny or when to laugh?

Rant About Your Company, Employees or Colleagues

Everybody loves drama, just look at reality TV! Life is no fun without drama; so if you’re having a disagreement with an employee or a colleague, post it online! You’ll seem more like a celebrity, and it won’t damage your brand at all. It’s especially important if it’s potentially damaging to your company or it’s sensitive information. Make it juicy!

Only Post About Your Company

Your customers didn’t “like” your page so they could hear about your industry, relevant news that could affect them, or advice that could help them. They liked your page to simply hear about your company all the time. Never, under any circumstances, survey your customers, link to outside sites, or post anything other than praise for your company.

Make Your Company Version of a Meme

You want to seem cool, right? Connect with your younger demographic, perhaps? Well, all the kids these days spend their time looking at funny memes online. Either find one that relates to your company directly, or make one yourself and post it! Do this, and you’ll seem savvy and “with it.” Then, just watch the young people start flocking to your business!

Upload Inappropriate Pictures From the Office Christmas Party

Did Bill from accounting take a really embarrassing picture of Sandy? Post it! The more people feel like part of the family, the more likely they are to be customers, so go ahead and post all the pictures of you and your employees at their most wildly unprofessional for maximum effect!

Curse. Often.

It let’s people know you’re a real person and not just a faceless company. People like people they’d go to a bar with, so curse up a storm for maximum personality!

Post as Often as You Can

People “liked” your page, so they obviously want to hear from you as often as possible. That means they want to hear from you no less than 12 times a day. They’re practically begging you to flood their feed with your marketing messages. If you don’t post often enough, all your customers will forget about you in a couple hours, and you’ll lose every potential sale from them!

TYPE IN ALL CAPS 

IT’S LIKE THE KEYBOARD VERSION OF TALKING LOUD ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TO HEAR. EVERYONE ELSE IS TRYING TO GET PEOPLE’S ATTENTION, SO HOW WILL YOU STAND OUT IF YOU DON’T YELL? IT’S NOT ANNOYING AT ALL. MAKE SURE ALL OF YOUR POSTS ARE IN ALL CAPS FOR MAXIMUM ATTENTION. AND ADD EXCLAMATION POINTS FOR EXTRA EMPHASIS!!!!!!!!!!

It’s amazing so much good advice can fit into one post! Follow the tips above to be on the fast track for Facebook success. Watch your number of likes increase, comments improve, and your customer interaction go through the roof, as if by magic!

***If you didn’t catch it, this article is being completely flippant in honor of April Fools Day. If you want to be successful at your Facebook and social media marketing, avoid making all of these mistakes. If you’re currently doing any of the things we listed above, stop immediately! Now you know what to avoid, read these articles to know what to really do:

[INFOGRAPH] An Introduction to Your Facebook Timeline
Better Networking Tips for Small Business Owners
SEO and Social Media Advice for Small Businesses

Do you know any other Facebook faux pas or terrible advice we should have included here? Let us know in the comments!Marketing Zeus

Posted in: B2C, Campaign Development, Content, E-Commerce, Facebook, Social Networks

About the Writer:

Born in England and raised in the U.S., Charles Forster is the marketing director and partner at Vine & Grain, a company that creates management technologies for bars and restaurants. Prior to that position, he ran a graphic design company, Call Me Chaz, in Philadelphia, PA and Orlando, FL. He focused on branding, websites, print, video and marketing for small business clients up and down the east coast. He's a self-prescribed car nut and foodie. He's also the curator for This Is Visceral, a site devoted to poster art.

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